I haven't blogged here for somtime. I have posted on other blogs, and just in case you may have missed them, I'm reproducing a couple of those posts here.To the question, Who decides who makes you happy?, I left the following response and expanded on the notion brought up in the comments section that "selfishness" and "self-centereness" spoil many realtionships where "happiness" is sought:
You are the single most important person in the world, indeed, the universe.
And if you're having trouble with that statement, read on.
If you're not having trouble with that statement, read on.
If you're that self-assured--as to believe that you're the single most important person in the universe--then the elevation of the self comes pretty easy, a walk in the park, falling off the proverbial log.
It's okay to be selfish. To be self-centered. I know: some may get this twisted. What comes to mind readily are some of the comments upthread that equates "selfishness" and "self-centeredness" with the pursuit of one's own needs, whether sexually, or emotionally, at the expense of others.
That's not the kind of selfishness and self-centeredness of which I speak. That kind is not truly self-centered, or that kind wouldn't be seeking outside of his or herself that which only the self can provide.
I hope what I'm going to say next will surprise or even shock: You shouldn't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone to love you, to cherish you, or to make you happy.
As someone upthread has suggested, and I state plainly: No one outside of yourself can make you happy. It's impossible.
And if you turn to others, a mate, friends, your family, or strangers on a plane, to make you happy, you'll be sorely disappointed.
They don't have the power to do so. And many marriages, and other relationships suffer drastically, because one or the other in the relationship is looking to the relationship to provide what is missing in one or the other.
No one. And I mean no one can give you what is missing in you, or what you think is missing in you. No one has that power.
And even if you find someone who you believe is giving you what is missing in you, he or she will resent you for it, because you will make unreasonable demands for it, and blame him or her if those demands aren't met.
You may not see it as such, but a need is an addiction. And like any addiction, we're always, at least most of the time, in need of a "fix," and when we don't get it, or in sufficient quantities to suppress the craving, we languish miserably within our world, and within our universe, bitterly blaming those we look to--to provide the fix--for failing us. (and those others may show up en masse or serially).
Disillusioned, you may eventually fall back on the person who created the need, and who can offer the fix to remedy the need. You. Yourself.
Here's what you need to know: Within is where all your supposed needs may be met. In time, you may come to realize that you have within all that you have sought to find without. Love in abundance. Self-acceptance in abundance. Self-forgiveness in abundance. Joy. Happiness. Peace. All in abundance.
You merely have to turn to the self in earnest, and do what many on this thread has suggested: Love yourself. Forgive yourself.
Perhaps then you'll find that decisions have power. You can decide to be happy, notwithstanding the seeming absence of conditions to evoke it; decide to be joyful, notwithstanding the seeming appearance of a joyless surrounding.
Does that mean, then, that relationships are no longer important, of whatever kind? No. They become more important than ever!
But now you enter them, not seeking something, wishing for something, desiring something from the other. You enter them for a much grander reason.
Further, you will easily know those others (They will now stand out!) who are seeking, and entering relationships for the purpose of fulfilling, satisfying, a need that they perceive within themselves.
You will pass them up, not because they're inferior in some way, but because you don't have what they're seeking, what they're needing.
You will seek out those like yourself. Those who have turned within and found a treasure trove of fullness, and completeness.
And you, with them, will use the relationship to celebrate your completeness, and celebrate your fullness.
There's no other reason to establish a relationship, than to harmonize your life with that of another.
Out of your fullness and completeness, do you share the essence of who you are.
Responding to my comment, one commenter observed:
"I never quite got how one could be happy without the actualization of some dream or desire being fulfilled or interaction with others."
I followed-up with this:
Let me attempt a response. Happiness is not about what you're doing, it's about what you're being.
Otherwise, you set yourself up to fail at the outset, if doing, or having, or interacting dictate your state of mind, or state of being.
It's what you're being why you're doing what you're doing that should be your goal.
But even then, people confuse the two. Oftentimes, you hear the saying, "I was happiest while pursuing my goal. Now that I've achieved my goal, my happiness has dropped considerably."
It dropped because they believed that the doing brought the joy, and not the other way around--that their joy (which they brought forth at their behest) attended the doing.
Your state of mind belongs exclusively to you, and is always yours to do with as you choose.
Were it otherwise, our dreams, desires, and external fulfillments would be at the mercy of life's many vagaries, which, oftentimes, would place our dreams and desires outside of the control of most of us.
It doesn't have to be that way, but that discussion is outside the scope of this one.
Let me illustrate:
If it's your desire and dream to be an astronaut, and that dream and desire is thwarted because of a heart so severely damaged that it disqualifies you--forever ending your hope of attaining what you may have worked your whole life toward--you may choose to be unhappy, or you may choose to remain untouched by the loss of the dream.
You see: The choice is not outside of you. Your state of mind is still yours to control, is still yours to command.
It's the same with interactions, and with relationships. If we put our happiness in the hands of others, then we're forever at their mercy. If they withhold that which we say makes us happy, or don't deliver it in sufficient quantities, then the outcome is predetermined.
We experience unhappiness.
We become emotionally dependent, when what we should be aiming for is independence, where we call the shots as to our state of mind, and not others; where we decide how we will feel about a thing, and not others.
Don't take this to mean that all dreams, desires, and interactions should be abandoned.
They shouldn't be.
What should be abandoned is the power we give them to shape our state of mind, to tell us whether we shall experience joy or sadness, a sense of fulfillment or loss.
Ruyard Kipling in a poem entitled "IF" states it best:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
We're always at choice.
