I haven't blogged here for somtime. I have posted on other blogs, and just in case you may have missed them, I'm reproducing a couple of those posts here.To the question, Who decides who makes you happy?, I left the following response and expanded on the notion brought up in the comments section that "selfishness" and "self-centereness" spoil many realtionships where "happiness" is sought:
You are the single most important person in the world, indeed, the universe.
And if you're having trouble with that statement, read on.
If you're not having trouble with that statement, read on.
If you're that self-assured--as to believe that you're the single most important person in the universe--then the elevation of the self comes pretty easy, a walk in the park, falling off the proverbial log.
It's okay to be selfish. To be self-centered. I know: some may get this twisted. What comes to mind readily are some of the comments upthread that equates "selfishness" and "self-centeredness" with the pursuit of one's own needs, whether sexually, or emotionally, at the expense of others.
That's not the kind of selfishness and self-centeredness of which I speak. That kind is not truly self-centered, or that kind wouldn't be seeking outside of his or herself that which only the self can provide.
I hope what I'm going to say next will surprise or even shock: You shouldn't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone to love you, to cherish you, or to make you happy.
As someone upthread has suggested, and I state plainly: No one outside of yourself can make you happy. It's impossible.
And if you turn to others, a mate, friends, your family, or strangers on a plane, to make you happy, you'll be sorely disappointed.
They don't have the power to do so. And many marriages, and other relationships suffer drastically, because one or the other in the relationship is looking to the relationship to provide what is missing in one or the other.
No one. And I mean no one can give you what is missing in you, or what you think is missing in you. No one has that power.
And even if you find someone who you believe is giving you what is missing in you, he or she will resent you for it, because you will make unreasonable demands for it, and blame him or her if those demands aren't met.
You may not see it as such, but a need is an addiction. And like any addiction, we're always, at least most of the time, in need of a "fix," and when we don't get it, or in sufficient quantities to suppress the craving, we languish miserably within our world, and within our universe, bitterly blaming those we look to--to provide the fix--for failing us. (and those others may show up en masse or serially).
Disillusioned, you may eventually fall back on the person who created the need, and who can offer the fix to remedy the need. You. Yourself.
Here's what you need to know: Within is where all your supposed needs may be met. In time, you may come to realize that you have within all that you have sought to find without. Love in abundance. Self-acceptance in abundance. Self-forgiveness in abundance. Joy. Happiness. Peace. All in abundance.
You merely have to turn to the self in earnest, and do what many on this thread has suggested: Love yourself. Forgive yourself.
Perhaps then you'll find that decisions have power. You can decide to be happy, notwithstanding the seeming absence of conditions to evoke it; decide to be joyful, notwithstanding the seeming appearance of a joyless surrounding.
Does that mean, then, that relationships are no longer important, of whatever kind? No. They become more important than ever!
But now you enter them, not seeking something, wishing for something, desiring something from the other. You enter them for a much grander reason.
Further, you will easily know those others (They will now stand out!) who are seeking, and entering relationships for the purpose of fulfilling, satisfying, a need that they perceive within themselves.
You will pass them up, not because they're inferior in some way, but because you don't have what they're seeking, what they're needing.
You will seek out those like yourself. Those who have turned within and found a treasure trove of fullness, and completeness.
And you, with them, will use the relationship to celebrate your completeness, and celebrate your fullness.
There's no other reason to establish a relationship, than to harmonize your life with that of another.
Out of your fullness and completeness, do you share the essence of who you are.
Responding to my comment, one commenter observed:
"I never quite got how one could be happy without the actualization of some dream or desire being fulfilled or interaction with others."
I followed-up with this:
Let me attempt a response. Happiness is not about what you're doing, it's about what you're being.
Otherwise, you set yourself up to fail at the outset, if doing, or having, or interacting dictate your state of mind, or state of being.
It's what you're being why you're doing what you're doing that should be your goal.
But even then, people confuse the two. Oftentimes, you hear the saying, "I was happiest while pursuing my goal. Now that I've achieved my goal, my happiness has dropped considerably."
It dropped because they believed that the doing brought the joy, and not the other way around--that their joy (which they brought forth at their behest) attended the doing.
Your state of mind belongs exclusively to you, and is always yours to do with as you choose.
Were it otherwise, our dreams, desires, and external fulfillments would be at the mercy of life's many vagaries, which, oftentimes, would place our dreams and desires outside of the control of most of us.
It doesn't have to be that way, but that discussion is outside the scope of this one.
Let me illustrate:
If it's your desire and dream to be an astronaut, and that dream and desire is thwarted because of a heart so severely damaged that it disqualifies you--forever ending your hope of attaining what you may have worked your whole life toward--you may choose to be unhappy, or you may choose to remain untouched by the loss of the dream.
You see: The choice is not outside of you. Your state of mind is still yours to control, is still yours to command.
It's the same with interactions, and with relationships. If we put our happiness in the hands of others, then we're forever at their mercy. If they withhold that which we say makes us happy, or don't deliver it in sufficient quantities, then the outcome is predetermined.
We experience unhappiness.
We become emotionally dependent, when what we should be aiming for is independence, where we call the shots as to our state of mind, and not others; where we decide how we will feel about a thing, and not others.
Don't take this to mean that all dreams, desires, and interactions should be abandoned.
They shouldn't be.
What should be abandoned is the power we give them to shape our state of mind, to tell us whether we shall experience joy or sadness, a sense of fulfillment or loss.
Ruyard Kipling in a poem entitled "IF" states it best:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
We're always at choice.
11 comments:
Hey Diaspora:
I am glad you are back posting. Sometimes we all need to take a break. You come across my mind frequently, and I pray that all is well with you.
@Granny: "You come across my mind frequently, and I pray that all is well with you."
All is well, Granny. Thanks for your prayers.
Granny, I attempted several blog entries, but abandoned them all, except this one.
I didn't want to regurgitate the day's news, without adding substantive analyses of my own, or cogent opinions of my own.
I'm pretty sure, on occasion, that my analyses, and opinions will deviate to such an extent from what is generally expected that it will brand me as too far out.
And I don't want to lose what little readership I do have by taking people down an intellectual "rabbit hole" that challenges what they've come to know as real.
I hope this is not sounding like intellectual snobbery. It's not. I honor all opinions, although I may disagree with many of them.
Thanks for stopping by. I like your fonts, too.
You are waaaay too deep for me BD. I'm leaving. ;)
You know the reason I check your blog regularly...you are a font of wisdom and perspective that requires a perceptive and analytic state of mind that very, very few people possess.
Now about the subject:
"Your state of mind belongs exclusively to you, and is always yours to do with as you choose."
Years ago when I was in the military I noticed that there were days when I felt much better physically than other days. Some days I could run for miles and want to keep running while other days I felt pain after the first half mile and wanted to go back to sleep. I have no idea how much of that was physical and how much emotional but I do know the two were interconnected and varied quite a bit from day to day.
I do believe in the power of self-determined happiness, but getting to the point of being able to do that for ourselves means reversing some powerful emotional instincts that we have been conditioned towards since our time in the womb. We are also a social species and may be genetically programmed to depend on others for physical/emotional comfort. A simple caress from our mate can release endorphins that make us feel relaxed. I suppose with enough mental conditioning we might be able to relase these endorphins on our own, but would it be as fulfilling?
"Don't take this to mean that all dreams, desires, and interactions should be abandoned...What should be abandoned is the power we give them to shape our state of mind, to tell us whether we shall experience joy or sadness, a sense of fulfillment or loss."
Dreams, desires and interactions all require us to invest something of our soul in their very existence, along with the stark realization that we are at least partially at the whims of oft-cruel fate. What is the point of having dreams and desires if there were no element of chance in the outcomes? We hope for the best and take our chances. That is how we define living.
Any realist knows that dreams are going to be an illusion unless the requisite sacrifice is paid in full, and not even then can their attainment be taken as a given. The big caveat here is that those most beholden to dreams tend not to be very realistic.
In our society it seems that most of our interactions are selfish, and driven by our needs to get something. Often they consist of nothing more than us selling ourselves as a commodity. This greatly detracts from our ability to have empathy and selflessness in our dealings with others. It is something we almost have to learn by deprogramming ourselves from what we have been made into.
I hit send to soon...the summation of the last three paragraphs I wrote is this: We give our hopes, dreams and fellow people the power to hurt us because in essence, we feel the need for a world where we CAN be disappointed as the price to be paid for one where we WON'T be disappointed.
BD,
A very instructive piece you wrote here. Actually, this needs to be shared widely. Many problems in relationships and frustrations are tied directly to folks seeking other people or things to "finish" them.
An excellent piece. Thanks for sharing.
Greg
One:
I have responded by taking you down that "intellectual rabbit hole" I referred to earlier in my post to Granny.
I pray you will forgive my bluntness, and my unintended assault upon your beliefs by offering another perspective. I could have taken the easy way, and given you pablum. But I respect you too much for that.
@Ernest: "I have no idea how much of that was physical and how much emotional but I do know the two were interconnected and varied quite a bit from day to day."
Here's something to chew on: What if I told you, that it's all mental, that since birth we have created two spheres of experience, one we call "mental" and the other we call "physical," when in fact they're one and the same.
We say that the body communicated with us (It told us that we're sick, tired, or experiencing pleasure), but the body has no such power. It's still the mind being reflected through the body that is doing the communicating that we attribute to the body.
The variance form "day to day" resulted from a shift in consciousness from "day to day," a change of mind about your supposed physical condition, or you mental state.
The mind-body "interconnectedness" is one of humankind's most enduring illusions, and has given rise to what is termed, the "mind-body dilemma."
"We are also a social species and may be genetically programmed to depend on others for physical/emotional comfort."
We're more than our bodies. We share certain traits with the animal kingdom that can be said to be the result of "genetic programming," what we call instincts, prepackaged behaviors that seem to be in charge, that seem to predetermine how we'll respond given a certain stimulus.
Were we mere animals, that would be the case. Yet, unlike animals, we are at choice. We're at choice in everything.
Of course, our choices, as physical beings may, under certain circumstances, and specific instances, appear to be limited--yet we can still choose between alternatives, or from among alternates.
And we do so even when we believe only one choice exists, and that choice being the ultimate one--stage left through the exit we refer to as death.
Even death is no exit. We can't exit that which we are. To believe that we can is one of life's tragic illusions.
Two:
"A simple caress from our mate can release endorphins that make us feel relaxed. I suppose with enough mental conditioning we might be able to relase these endorphins on our own, but would it be as fulfilling?"
Yes, that's true, because we have conditioned ourselves to experience such a response in that precise manner.
That same caress from another, given in the exact same way, may elicit another response entirely.
Yet, what we attribute to another (a simple caress that released endorphins) came about because we "released" them ourself, and credited the response to another.
When we use a situation to release the endorphins, we also determine the impact of the release.
What we may not know is: We were the ones doing it all along, notwithstanding the seeming appearance and influence of another.
There is, in reality, no other. That, too, is an illusion.
"Dreams, desires and interactions all require us to invest something of our soul in their very existence, along with the stark realization that we are at least partially at the whims of oft-cruel fate."
On one level, I'd nod by assent. On another level, I'd say we're making it all up. A thing is only what we say it is, nothing more, and nothing less. On yet another level I'd tell you this: There are no victims, and there are no villains.
There's only you.
If we choose to "invest something of our soul in their very existence [Dreams, desires and interactions]" we're certainly at liberty to do so.
But know this: As soon as we desire a thing, we lose it, and dreams are always realized--that is, reach fruition along paths we haven't as yet learned to see, or appreciate, and human interactions are what we decide they are, and "oft-cruel fate" is not "cruel" at all, since our fears fashioned the outcome, and those seemingly misbehaving children are of our own creating.
We can abort any child we've conceived (whether beautiful and delightful, or ugly and repulsive), but those we bring forth, and give life to, we mustn't disown.
We rear them, fashion them, and mold them, so that they're the apple of our eye. If we disown them, then we disown a part of ourselves, a very important part, the difference between bliss and no bliss.
Three:
"What is the point of having dreams and desires if there were no element of chance in the outcomes? We hope for the best and take our chances. That is how we define living."
You're right, of course. That's how we have structured life--with obstacles, challenges, and uncertain outcomes--to overshadow and hide another of life's illusions: that there's nothing we need do, nothing we need have, and nothing we need be--except exactly what we're now doing, now having, and now being.
In truth there's is no "element of chance." It's all predetermined. The outcome is assured. We do, however, get to decide on the when, where, and how.
But in the end--it all comes together. We use life's many opportunities (and everything in life is an opportunity) not only to "define life," but to define ourselves.
Self-definition is what we're about. And we use everything in life, "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (Wasn't that a movie, starring Clint Eastwood?)" as the tools, and the means with which to do that.
Yet, we need nothing: not desires, not dreams, and not "brass rings" to reach for in our merry-go-round world. There's nothing outside of ourselves for which to reach.
An external existence is an illusion. All things have their genesis from within.
"Any realist knows that dreams are going to be an illusion unless the requisite sacrifice is paid in full, and not even then can their attainment be taken as a given. The big caveat here is that those most beholden to dreams tend not to be very realistic."
I know what you're saying, and I agree. Yet, let me expand it a bit and tell you this: It's all a dream. Dreams within dreams.
You can have your "dream" with or without the "sacrifice." If you choose to "sacrifice," so be it (It's neither good or bad. Just another choice among many.), but if you choose to have it delivered up on a silver platter, so to speak, then that's okay, too.
You'd be surprised how many in your work-a-day world are achieving without sacrifice, and reaping where no labor was applied. It comes as expected: without the customary effort, or the customary price that usually attends such gain.
There's nothing you don't have. You have it all. Anything that says otherwise is an illusion.
"In our society it seems that most of our interactions are selfish, and driven by our needs to get something. Often they consist of nothing more than us selling ourselves as a commodity. This greatly detracts from our ability to have empathy and selflessness in our dealings with others. It is something we almost have to learn by deprogramming ourselves from what we have been made into."
You sum up the human condition quite well. Yet, let me throw out another perspective. What we usually refer to as selfishness is not selfishness at all.
It's a mockery of the real thing. Selfishness and self-centeredness, as is often practiced in our world, lead to that deplorable state where we witness the spectacle of every man and woman for him or herself, a dog-eat-dog world, to the victor belongs the spoils, and the survival of the fittest.
Four:
Actually, to someone of your refined sensibilities (and I mean that in a good way), it's not surprising that you'd be appalled at the spectacle.
Yet, we need more self, not less. The problem arises when we narrowly define the self as just us, and no one else.
All selves are one self. When we see all selves, as what they truly are, inseparable, and whole, we realize that what we do to the other, we do the self.
Until humankind reaches that understanding on both the physical and metaphysical level, we will continue to do it to others before they can do it to us.
On the physical level, the National Geographic Channel's episode--the Search for Adam--makes a pretty compelling case for the oneness of all human life.
It can also be seen on Nat Geo On Demand where available.
Empathy for the other should be as easily conjured as empathy for the self. There is no other. There's only you. Everything else is an illusion.
"We give our hopes, dreams and fellow people the power to hurt us because in essence, we feel the need for a world where we CAN be disappointed as the price to be paid for one where we WON'T be disappointed."
We have the power here and now to have our world anyway we choose (Wasn't that one of Burger King's campaign slogans, "Have it your way!". We can choose to give others the power to hurt us or not. We can choose to be "disappointed" by others or not.
Why wait for that which we can have now?
And, too, we can have our "hopes, dreams and fellow people" with or without the hurt, with or without the pain. We get to decide. We get to call the shots. We get to be the "master of our fate."
There's no power apart from us. There's no power outside of us. All appearances to the contrary are illusions.
Although not a complete statement of the real, it comes close, making it one of my favorite poems, for the attempt:
Invictus
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance 5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade, 10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: 15
I am the captain of my soul.
GREG L said...
"BD,
"A very instructive piece you wrote here. [...]
An excellent piece. Thanks for sharing.
Greg"
Thanks Greg. I haven't been over to your place for a spell. I'm overdue for a visit.
BD...I see your perspective and I can't really argue with it because it is not possible to prove reality is not an illusion, or rather some kind of plane of consciousness from which there is only an "escape" to another plane.
At the same time, I do believe that evolutionary psychology rules much of our instinctual feelings, the same way it explains how birds know how to migrate and many other survival skills seen in nature. It is part of our genetic programming. We are primates with the amazing ability to wonder about our lives and the awesome responsibility not to extinguish it all through our self-centered perspective.
I understand the importance of your concept of expanding the self to include all others. Indeed, this is the only way our civilization can avoid extinction.
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