ConservaZombies

For years, zombie movies have been a staple of Hollywood. They're popping up now like mushrooms on the bottom of cave floors.

They're rightly classified as horror flicks, but "some cross over into other genres, such as comedy, science fiction, thriller, or romance, even animated films. There have even been developments in zombie-specific sub-genres, such as the "zombie comedy" or the "zombie apocalypse".

What are zombies? "Zombies are mythical creatures usually portrayed as either a reanimated corpse or a mindless human being."

My interest in them here is simple: What if Republicans had the power to turn us all into Conservative Zombies (mindless adherents to conservative principles and ideology), using some heretofore unknown transformational powder (a mixture of chemicals kept more secret than Colonel Sanders' secret blend of herbs and spices) while we're still living, rather than waiting for us to die.

Would they do it? My guess is yes. For one, it would make the world safe for conservatism, and Republican idealism.

Republicans wouldn't have to contend with a black man ever again becoming the president of the United States, and, if he did, he would be liberal-proof, one hundred percent conservative.

They wouldn't have to spend hours at Town Hall meetings shouting down liberal speakers from that accursed Democratic Party with their insane goals of reforming health care.

They wouldn't have to stock up on extra guns, and create a bullet shortage, because there would be no fear that guns would be regulated or taken away. Just think of it: A shortage of bullets.

They wouldn't have to march on Washington with idiotic signs, similar to others we've seen calling the president a socialist, a Marxist, and a racist.

They wouldn't have to be always against things. For a change, they could be for things. They wouldn't be known ever again as the Do-Nothing Party. They still may do nothing, but no one would speak of it. ConservaZombies don't speak all that much: they mostly grunt assent.

And, as an added bonus, Republicans could do away with all those liberal or quasi-liberal cable news channels such as MSNBC and CNN. ConservaZombies wouldn't watch them anyway, not with Fox News around. Fox News would become the official news channel of ConservaZombies.

Republicans could do away with liberal talk shows, since Rush Limbaugh and Hannity would monopolize the airwaves. ConservaZombies need only one word in their already limited vocabulary, "ditto".

And Republicans could do away with liberal magazines, because the Weekly Standard, the National Review, and other conservative magazines would rub shoulder to shoulder at newsstands. But not for long, ConservaZombies are known to fight over them, and it's hard to distinguish the chaos from a white sale.

And who would need an American Flag, when a Conservative Flag, menacing, uncompromising, and dripping with historical hubris, would do the trick.

Or a flag to say allegiance to when you have Gene, the Flag Man. And the new conservative pledge of allegiance might look a little like this one. ConservaZombies like nothing more than wearing or draping themselves in the flag.

ConservaMania would infiltrate the church. Liberal religious institutions would be defunct, as well as liberal ministers. Already, this new brand of conservative ministers is cropping up.

And a new Conservative Bible would be commissioned. Already the groundwork is in place:

" The Conservative Bible Project is the brainchild of attorney and teacher Andy Schlafly, a son of conservative standard-bearer Phyllis Schlafly. His Bible-related Wiki, which allows contributors to post information, comment on others' and suggest tweaks or fixes, went up this summer.

"The project quickly drew fire.

"'These right-wing ideologues know better than the early church councils that canonized Scripture?" So asked Rod Dreher, a conservative blogger for Beliefnet. "They really think it's wise to force the word of God to conform to a 21st-century American idea of what constitutes conservatism?'

"Schlafly said he aims to counteract modern translations, not edit the Bible.
'I think liberal bias was less of a problem in older translations,' he said. 'It's refreshing to read anything that is free of liberal bias, and the Bible is the most well-read book in the world, so that should be the first thing to clean up.'"

My advice to liberals and progressives: Don't drink Budweiser. And stay away from Chili, and Shrimp and grits. And surely avoid the Italian Fiesta Pizzeria in Chicago. And arugula is definitely out of the question. That restaurant and those foods I've identified are particularly targeted by Conservatives. They would like nothing more than to sprinkle your food with vast amounts of Zombie Powder.