Tuesday, October 6, 2009

ConservaZombies

ConservaZombiesFor years, zombie movies have been a staple of Hollywood. They're popping up now like mushrooms on the bottom of cave floors.

They're rightly classified as horror flicks, but "some cross over into other genres, such as comedy, science fiction, thriller, or romance, even animated films. There have even been developments in zombie-specific sub-genres, such as the "zombie comedy" or the "zombie apocalypse".

What are zombies? "Zombies are mythical creatures usually portrayed as either a reanimated corpse or a mindless human being."

My interest in them here is simple: What if Republicans had the power to turn us all into Conservative Zombies (mindless adherents to conservative principles and ideology), using some heretofore unknown transformational powder (a mixture of chemicals kept more secret than Colonel Sanders' secret blend of herbs and spices) while we're still living, rather than waiting for us to die.

Would they do it? My guess is yes. For one, it would make the world safe for conservatism, and Republican idealism.

Republicans wouldn't have to contend with a black man ever again becoming the president of the United States, and, if he did, he would be liberal-proof, one hundred percent conservative.

They wouldn't have to spend hours at Town Hall meetings shouting down liberal speakers from that accursed Democratic Party with their insane goals of reforming health care.

They wouldn't have to stock up on extra guns, and create a bullet shortage, because there would be no fear that guns would be regulated or taken away. Just think of it: A shortage of bullets.

They wouldn't have to march on Washington with idiotic signs, similar to others we've seen calling the president a socialist, a Marxist, and a racist.

They wouldn't have to be always against things. For a change, they could be for things. They wouldn't be known ever again as the Do-Nothing Party. They still may do nothing, but no one would speak of it. ConservaZombies don't speak all that much: they mostly grunt assent.

And, as an added bonus, Republicans could do away with all those liberal or quasi-liberal cable news channels such as MSNBC and CNN. ConservaZombies wouldn't watch them anyway, not with Fox News around. Fox News would become the official news channel of ConservaZombies.

Republicans could do away with liberal talk shows, since Rush Limbaugh and Hannity would monopolize the airwaves. ConservaZombies need only one word in their already limited vocabulary, "ditto".

And Republicans could do away with liberal magazines, because the Weekly Standard, the National Review, and other conservative magazines would rub shoulder to shoulder at newsstands. But not for long, ConservaZombies are known to fight over them, and it's hard to distinguish the chaos from a white sale.

And who would need an American Flag, when a Conservative Flag, menacing, uncompromising, and dripping with historical hubris, would do the trick.

Or a flag to say allegiance to when you have Gene, the Flag Man. And the new conservative pledge of allegiance might look a little like this one. ConservaZombies like nothing more than wearing or draping themselves in the flag.

ConservaMania would infiltrate the church. Liberal religious institutions would be defunct, as well as liberal ministers. Already, this new brand of conservative ministers is cropping up.

And a new Conservative Bible would be commissioned. Already the groundwork is in place:

" The Conservative Bible Project is the brainchild of attorney and teacher Andy Schlafly, a son of conservative standard-bearer Phyllis Schlafly. His Bible-related Wiki, which allows contributors to post information, comment on others' and suggest tweaks or fixes, went up this summer.

"The project quickly drew fire.

"'These right-wing ideologues know better than the early church councils that canonized Scripture?" So asked Rod Dreher, a conservative blogger for Beliefnet. "They really think it's wise to force the word of God to conform to a 21st-century American idea of what constitutes conservatism?'

"Schlafly said he aims to counteract modern translations, not edit the Bible.
'I think liberal bias was less of a problem in older translations,' he said. 'It's refreshing to read anything that is free of liberal bias, and the Bible is the most well-read book in the world, so that should be the first thing to clean up.'"


My advice to liberals and progressives: Don't drink Budweiser. And stay away from Chili, and Shrimp and grits. And surely avoid the Italian Fiesta Pizzeria in Chicago. And arugula is definitely out of the question. That restaurant and those foods I've identified are particularly targeted by Conservatives. They would like nothing more than to sprinkle your food with vast amounts of Zombie Powder.

16 comments:

kathy said...

Zombies, so fitting, that is how Jean Paul Satre described white people in Fanon's Wretched of the Earth.

Darn, I can even eat my argula?

kathy said...

I can't spell, I meant arugala, or something like that,LOL.

Black Diaspora said...

Hi, kathy. No matter how you spell it, it's probably a plant you need to avoid. Try spinach. I'm hearing that it's getting a pass.

This entry is my Halloween offering, and my answer to those who wish to cast President Obama as a zombie.

I'm turning the tables, and pointing out that conservatives behave more like zombies than liberals.

Anonymous said...

The man who is attempting to change certain word's in the Bible may find himself being Transformed, it was said that his mother was a (PROPHETESS) well, she had to spend time with (God)!

Now, I don't know the fullness as to why her son is challenging the word of God but, he should be Prepared for the Journey God may take him on, for the Bible is Captivating!! this man may start off one way and end in another place!!

God will not be challenged, and this man has decided to go into Battle with God Almighty, and trust me, he will not Win!!

The Word of God is put in a format to set a lasting foundation, the Bible is used to draw and pull man to God!!! the Creator! First God, Second his Son! and then Act's! and why would God want man to Tamper, with what he has put in Order? not one word is to be taken out of context!

This man that is challenging God, my find the True and Living God! and maybe this is what God want's! God work's in Mysterious way's!

iseeisee

Anonymous said...

May find the True and Living God!

Seda said...

So what's wrong with a shortage of bullets? I think that would be kind of cool. Just think - bullets so scarce you don't dare use any!

That pledge, though - that's just the one those folks on the right have been saying for years.

And being liberal, I don't drink Bud anyway - pretty much stick to microbrews, and an occasional German import. One of the advantages of living in the Northwest - lots of good beer!

Black Diaspora said...

Seda said...
"So what's wrong with a shortage of bullets? I think that would be kind of cool. Just think - bullets so scarce you don't dare use any"

That's funny!

If we did away with it all, I wouldn't mind. Cops are a bit anxious right now, though: the shortage is impacting their ability to reload.

Don't know if you clicked the link where one comic gives his take on the "bullet shortage."

Hilarious stuff.

Black Diaspora said...

@iseeisee: "Now, I don't know the fullness as to why her son is challenging the word of God but, he should be Prepared for the Journey God may take him on, for the Bible is Captivating!! this man may start off one way and end in another place!!"

Paul is the best example of that, as well you know.

He started his journey with one destination in mind, and end up in the Kingdom of God.

You never know where a "journey of a thousand miles" will take you, if you take that first step.

sisterstation said...

Thank you for your comments; I appreciate your voice as well.
Most of this would be hilariously funny if it were not so important to us all.
To me, Chicago not getting the olympics was a blessing in disguise, because it showed so clearly what a big bunch of immature, petulant, grudging, sore loser babies the conservatives are.
Imagine...applauding a loss.
I do believe the only way to make any inroads is to use our considerable collective buying power and stop buying anything that is advertised in these sicko venues like The Post, all the Fox channels and Rush Limbaugh etc.
You know, I'd really be liking my America a lot more if not for these assholes that are "missing their America". I know there must be some good folks in Texas, so I wish we could let them all leave, and then send all the malcontents there; then we could have a great plot for a movie..such as "Escape From Crawford"

kathy said...

Halloween, lol, that is funny~!

Black Diaspora said...

@sisterstation: "Most of this would be hilariously funny if it were not so important to us all."

What's that old saying: Sometime you have to laugh to keep from crying.

For this country, I have a perpetual tear in the eye. I see myself a lot like that image of Iron Eyes Cody in that "Keep America Beautiful" TV campaign of the 1970s.

"I wish we could let them all leave, and then send all the malcontents there; then we could have a great plot for a movie..such as 'Escape From Crawford.'"

Good line. And funny. :)

Black Diaspora said...

@Kathy

You should see what I've got cooked up for April Fools' Day, or All Fools' Day.

I not sure which is better: Republicans have shown themselves to be All Fools all day, every day.

I think I like the latter better: more descriptive.

kathy said...

Yes, All Fools Day, can't wait:))
I was trying to photoshop Palin for Halloween, or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Sisterhood that was FUNNY!! yes, and we should just get all of the innocent people out of Texas, for they are probably stuck in the Twilight Zone with no way OUT!!


I could not believe it, when the REP/CON were cheering about the Olympic not coming to Chicago! now they have been doing some Twisted stuff, but, this was the STRAW that BROKE the CAMEL'S back!!!

Now, each and every DEM, LIB and PROG should know to STAY PUT!!! for if, you ever thought about becoming a REP/CON you should count your blessing's!!! you are safer on the SANE SIDE!!!! or shall I say the RIGHT SIDE!!! oh, my GOD!! I said RIGHT!!!! Lol, lol, lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sisterstation said...

Black, I have to comment on Mitrice Richardson.
What do you think the odds are she really left the police station?
Who said she left the police station, and did anyone other than police witness it?
Ten or fifteen years ago, somebody tried to say Abner Louima left the police station in Brooklyn. If you don't live in the ny area, you might not remember that he was sodomized with a plunger in the bathroom of the police station (his gut was perforated and he spent weeks in the hospital) and the blue wall was nearly impenetrable for a number of days. Now maybe she did leave, but it seems just a little fishy to me. There was a macabre joke in my county when I was a kid. People would find themselves getting worked over in the county jail, and it would be laughingly said later on that they had "fallen down the stairs", although there were no stairs to fall down at the jail. God help this poor girl.

Black Diaspora said...

sisterstation said...
"Black, I have to comment on Mitrice Richardson.
What do you think the odds are she really left the police station?"

sister, I hear you on this one. I'm quite concern, and pray daily that she'll be found safe and sound.

Apparently, after leaving the Sheriff substation in Malibu, Mitrice was spotted. One of the reports of sighting came from the Sheriffs themselves: a woman called in to say a woman was sleeping on a porch.

The other--not sure of the source--says that a black woman was seen sitting on a bench near a woman's house, but left after the woman spoke to her.

All of this is suspicious. If she was lost in that area, dogs would have picked up her scent.

So it's a good possibility that she never left the Sheriff station as reported.

There's an archive here that's tracking news accounts.